What I Wish My Parents Knew

On October 2nd, 2019, I attended What I Wish My Parents Knew Event that was hosted by Valhalla High School but was open to all Grossmont Union High School District families. This event featured a community resource fair and breakout sessions. The topics included: How to Manage Stress, Substance Abuse, Pressure of Social Media, Dealing with Bullying/Harassment, and Managing Expectations. 

There were multiple resources during the event, including San Diego Youth Services, Mending Matters, Rady Children's Hospital, NAMI, Harmonium, VMR Therapy, County of San Diego, Health and Human Services, McAlister Institute, Crossroads Family Center, McGrath Family,  and YMCA, providing multiple resources to parents and families. I got to learn more about the services that each organization provides and how we can refer our students to them. 

One of my favorite parts of this event was where students and parents wrote a sticky note for what each other wished to know. One poster was “What I Wish My Parents Knew” and the other poster “What I Wish My Student Knew” where parents wrote notes about what they wished their children to know. Reading some of those sticky notes was heartbreaking and I could tell that there is no communication between the parents and their children most of the time. Some of the pictures are attached below.

What some parents wrote: 

• “I need to stop what I’m doing and give you my full attention! I would be there for you for anything!”
• “I truly want what’s best for you”
• “I want to know if you have trouble with addiction, we can get through it together. Let’s talk.  
• “That I love them no matter what . .  and just wish for more for more quality time with them”
• “You are not alone in this journey”
• “I wish you knew that gay or straight, you are my beloved child always”
• “That it’s okay to make mistakes and it is not the end of the world. We all are not perfect. Let it go. Tomorrow is a new day”
• “It makes me very sad to see my boys grow distance from me and avoid talking about their days and school. I really try to connect with them.”
  
  

What some students wrote: 

• “I wish my parents knew how stressed and depressed I am because of how unsupportive they are”
• “I wish my parents knew how to support me through my pill addiction recovery”
• “I wish my parents knew I can’t always be perfect”
• “I wish I could tell my parents more without them freaking out”
• “I wish my parents knew that I am not getting a 5.0 GPA like my brother”
• “I wish my parents knew I am exhausted”
• “I wish my parents knew I am smoking nicotine” 
• “I wish my parents knew that anxiety is an actual thing”
• “I wish my parents knew the real me. I wish they knew that I am gay but I would rather not tell them every because they would never talk to me again”

During this event, I attended two sessions: Managing and Balancing Expectations by San Diego Youth Service and Talk With Your Ears by Skyline Church Youth. 

Managing and Balancing Expectations by San Diego Youth Service

The presenters talked about how important it is for parents to model for their children. They don’t have to show their kids that everything is perfect. If something is going wrong, they can share it with the children and tell them that it is okay for things not to work out all the time. When parents model, their children are more open to having conversations about their mistakes and getting help when they need it. 

It is important for parents to stress the idea that there is nothing perfect, in which most of our teenagers take the idea of perfectionism from social media. There should be no shaming when these conversations happen. Besides that, the presenters have incorporated the importance of distinguishing between realistic and unrealistic expectations. This specific session had a student panel. It was very intriguing to hear how the students feel when their parents set unrealistic goals for them and how it can affect their overall health and performance. This session emphasized the importance of having conversations between the parents and the students. One piece of advice was that when setting goals, include your children in the goal setting process instead of just telling them what to do. They would be more likely to set a realistic goal and would be more accountable to achieving it. The presenters also gave 5 apps to help students deal with perfectionism:

• Calm - an app that helps with mindfulness, can lower stress and can help to sleep better
• Gratitude Journal - an app that can help manage stress, reduce anxiety and increase positivity in everyday life
• Noisli - an app that can help improve focus and boost your productivity
• Focus at Will - an app to help improve concentration 
• Trello - an app to help you with organizing your work and life visually 

Those apps can be used with students who are also experiencing anxiety. 

Talk With Your Ears by Skyline Church Youth

The main theme of this session was actually listening to what the students are saying. Sitting in this session, I could see how parents are worried about their students and how much they need to be better communicators. One suggestion that the presenter gave was for the parents to ask their children “what is one thing that you would change about my life (the parent’s life)?” A lot of the parents stated that they were afraid to ask that question because they are not sure how their child might respond to them. 

An example that the presenter gave to be active listener is to be a parrot and not an interrupting cow. Let the child speak and the parent repeat what they said (not like a robot) but to make sure that you, as a parent, understand what the students are saying and to clarify any statements and reflect back. 

One statistic that the presenter shared was “the average child spends over 40 hours a week in front of some screen, and less than three minutes a week in meaningful conversation with his or her father.'' The point is that we need to know who our students are and for them to know who we are. 

What was intriguing is the stages that parents go through:

• Caretaker - the stage when parents take care of their children
• Cop - the stage when parents set rules and laws of what can and cannot do. Most of the parents get stuck in this stage and never transition to the next step
• Coach - this stage is where parents are more like mentors where they allow their children to make mistakes and learn
• Consultant - this stage is later in the children’s lives as they grow older and move out of the house

I will be able to use those techniques that I learned with some of the parents that are having difficulties with their students. A lot of the parents when we try to involve them in school state that their students are shutting them out of events. Conversations like these might assist the parents to be more supportive to their children and understand what they are going through. We as counselors can support and assist parents to help them with their students’ education. Those techniques can be used with students at any grade level.