What I Wish My Parents Knew

On October 2nd, 2019, I attended What I Wish My Parents Knew Event that was hosted by Valhalla High School but was open to all Grossmont Union High School District families. This event featured a community resource fair and breakout sessions. The topics included: How to Manage Stress, Substance Abuse, Pressure of Social Media, Dealing with Bullying/Harassment, and Managing Expectations. 

There were multiple resources during the event, including San Diego Youth Services, Mending Matters, Rady Children's Hospital, NAMI, Harmonium, VMR Therapy, County of San Diego, Health and Human Services, McAlister Institute, Crossroads Family Center, McGrath Family,  and YMCA, providing multiple resources to parents and families. I got to learn more about the services that each organization provides and how we can refer our students to them. 

One of my favorite parts of this event was where students and parents wrote a sticky note for what each other wished to know. One poster was “What I Wish My Parents Knew” and the other poster “What I Wish My Student Knew” where parents wrote notes about what they wished their children to know. Reading some of those sticky notes was heartbreaking and I could tell that there is no communication between the parents and their children most of the time. Some of the pictures are attached below.

What some parents wrote: 

• “I need to stop what I’m doing and give you my full attention! I would be there for you for anything!”
• “I truly want what’s best for you”
• “I want to know if you have trouble with addiction, we can get through it together. Let’s talk.  
• “That I love them no matter what . .  and just wish for more for more quality time with them”
• “You are not alone in this journey”
• “I wish you knew that gay or straight, you are my beloved child always”
• “That it’s okay to make mistakes and it is not the end of the world. We all are not perfect. Let it go. Tomorrow is a new day”
• “It makes me very sad to see my boys grow distance from me and avoid talking about their days and school. I really try to connect with them.”
  
  

What some students wrote: 

• “I wish my parents knew how stressed and depressed I am because of how unsupportive they are”
• “I wish my parents knew how to support me through my pill addiction recovery”
• “I wish my parents knew I can’t always be perfect”
• “I wish I could tell my parents more without them freaking out”
• “I wish my parents knew that I am not getting a 5.0 GPA like my brother”
• “I wish my parents knew I am exhausted”
• “I wish my parents knew I am smoking nicotine” 
• “I wish my parents knew that anxiety is an actual thing”
• “I wish my parents knew the real me. I wish they knew that I am gay but I would rather not tell them every because they would never talk to me again”

During this event, I attended two sessions: Managing and Balancing Expectations by San Diego Youth Service and Talk With Your Ears by Skyline Church Youth. 

Managing and Balancing Expectations by San Diego Youth Service

The presenters talked about how important it is for parents to model for their children. They don’t have to show their kids that everything is perfect. If something is going wrong, they can share it with the children and tell them that it is okay for things not to work out all the time. When parents model, their children are more open to having conversations about their mistakes and getting help when they need it. 

It is important for parents to stress the idea that there is nothing perfect, in which most of our teenagers take the idea of perfectionism from social media. There should be no shaming when these conversations happen. Besides that, the presenters have incorporated the importance of distinguishing between realistic and unrealistic expectations. This specific session had a student panel. It was very intriguing to hear how the students feel when their parents set unrealistic goals for them and how it can affect their overall health and performance. This session emphasized the importance of having conversations between the parents and the students. One piece of advice was that when setting goals, include your children in the goal setting process instead of just telling them what to do. They would be more likely to set a realistic goal and would be more accountable to achieving it. The presenters also gave 5 apps to help students deal with perfectionism:

• Calm - an app that helps with mindfulness, can lower stress and can help to sleep better
• Gratitude Journal - an app that can help manage stress, reduce anxiety and increase positivity in everyday life
• Noisli - an app that can help improve focus and boost your productivity
• Focus at Will - an app to help improve concentration 
• Trello - an app to help you with organizing your work and life visually 

Those apps can be used with students who are also experiencing anxiety. 

Talk With Your Ears by Skyline Church Youth

The main theme of this session was actually listening to what the students are saying. Sitting in this session, I could see how parents are worried about their students and how much they need to be better communicators. One suggestion that the presenter gave was for the parents to ask their children “what is one thing that you would change about my life (the parent’s life)?” A lot of the parents stated that they were afraid to ask that question because they are not sure how their child might respond to them. 

An example that the presenter gave to be active listener is to be a parrot and not an interrupting cow. Let the child speak and the parent repeat what they said (not like a robot) but to make sure that you, as a parent, understand what the students are saying and to clarify any statements and reflect back. 

One statistic that the presenter shared was “the average child spends over 40 hours a week in front of some screen, and less than three minutes a week in meaningful conversation with his or her father.'' The point is that we need to know who our students are and for them to know who we are. 

What was intriguing is the stages that parents go through:

• Caretaker - the stage when parents take care of their children
• Cop - the stage when parents set rules and laws of what can and cannot do. Most of the parents get stuck in this stage and never transition to the next step
• Coach - this stage is where parents are more like mentors where they allow their children to make mistakes and learn
• Consultant - this stage is later in the children’s lives as they grow older and move out of the house

I will be able to use those techniques that I learned with some of the parents that are having difficulties with their students. A lot of the parents when we try to involve them in school state that their students are shutting them out of events. Conversations like these might assist the parents to be more supportive to their children and understand what they are going through. We as counselors can support and assist parents to help them with their students’ education. Those techniques can be used with students at any grade level.

Yes, You Can Support Student Career Readiness

Background


On December 5, I attended the 2018 Counselor Conference hosted by the San Diego and Imperial Counties Regional Consortium at the San Diego Sheraton Hotel & Marina. In addition to interning at the high school level this year where it is imperative to help students understand college and other training options as career pathways, I am a strong advocate for providing each student with planned career exploration activities throughout their K-12 education, not just in high school. I signed up to attend this specific conference because I knew their focus on career exploration would help me gather information and materials for designing career interventions at my fieldwork site and the future schools I will work at.

After a Suicide

After a Suicide: A Toolkit for Schools

I decided to participate in this webinar, because there was a suicide at my fieldwork site this year. It didn't seem like there was specific protocol in place, and most of the students impacted were seen by the social worker and outside professionals that the social worker brought in. The School Counselors did not seem to have much of a part in the response which made me wonder what school counselors can do to best serve students when something like this happens. I know how important it is to be knowledgable around this topic in order to provide appropriate and meaningful support for the students affected. Something that may seem insignificant, such as the wording of our responses, is actually very important. For example:

This webinar was meant to introduce the a toolkit that addresses communications and procedures for school crisis response teams following a suicide loss. This toolkit was revised this year (2018), so they could address social media and cultural considerations. These are two factors that have made this intervention more adaptable across grades and school sites. As we all know social media is a huge part of all of our K-12 students' daily lives, and is having a huge impact on their mental health. It is very important to monitor social media outlets to the best of our ability, especially after a suicide had occurred. We must also remember that we can use social media to send out supportive and positive messages. Another important factor to keep in mind is culture. Culture will impact how the students experience grief, so the school and community makeup is very important when responding to a suicide. It also addresses appropriate memorialization. The following are what you will find in the 68 page toolkit:

Four guide principles: 
1. Treating all deaths the same
2. Mitigating risk of contagion
3. Remembering resilience
4. Suicide having multiple causes

Best Practices:
1. Mobilizing the Crisis Response Team
2. Managing overall communications
3. Sharing the news with the school community
4. Responding to students and monitoring reactions
5. Reaching out to the parents
6. Working with the community


There are additional resources found in the Toolkit that can very helpful for schools to develop systems to appropriately respond to a suicide. Samples of guidelines for initial staff meeting, death notifications for parents and students, and an agenda for a parent meeting that can be held. There is also help with talking about suicide, facts to use, and the warning signs we can see. Going forward I hope to utilize this toolkit to inform the creation of systems, or improve upon systems already in place at the school I work in.  I hope this toolkit can help you or teach you something new, so that we can all better serve our students! Thanks for reading.


Find the Presentation and Toolkit here: http://bit.ly/2FTPJno

Endorsed by :
• American School Counselor Association (ASCA),
• National Association of School Psychologists (NASP),
• National Association of Secondary School Principals (NASSP)

This Blog Post was created by Jessica Stroke, SDSU School Counseling Graduate Student 19'

Professional Development Opo

I attended the American School Counselor Association (ASCA) annual conference this past July, which was held at the Los Angeles Downtown Convention Center.  I decided to attend to learn more about current practices in the school counseling profession as well as ASCA-specific resources. I attended all three days of the conference and personally found the workshop titled “Solutions-Focused School Counselor’s Playbook” by Arond Schonberg, M.S., PPS and Keith Fulthorp, EdD., PPS especially helpful.  The workshop shared about Solution Focused Brief Counseling (SFBC), if it’s a possible single solution for the audience, demonstrated the techniques, as well as provided opportunities to practice together.

As a school counselor, our time with students are limited and out of our scope of practice to work extensively and exclusively with students in a therapeutic manner.  I was drawn to SFBC since it’s solution focused, positive, and fits well within the time constraints we have as a school counselor. SFBC concentrates on finding solutions in the present moment and focusing on one’s hope for the future to find quicker resolutions.  It is a versatile and effective technique that can be used as a single therapeutic intervention or combined with therapy treatments. SFBC can be used individually with individuals across age, gender, cultural backgrounds, etc. The top ten techniques of this intervention recommended by Fulthorp and Schonberg follows the sequence of:

1. Obtain student’s description of the problem
2. Scaling
3. The miracle question
4. Positive goals
5. Exceptions
6. Cheerleading
7. Flagging the minefield
8. What else and instead questions
9. What’s different or better questions
10. Write a note and compliment, summarize strengths

The workshop presentation and the “Top-10 Solution Focused Brief Counseling Techniques” by the presenters with the strategy, description, and example questions/statements are also provided.  This counseling technique is effective in most situations, but especially so in the educational settings due to our limited time as well as within our scope of practice as school counselors. I appreciate that SFBC is goal-oriented and collaborative that encourages the individual to focus on the present moment rather than the complexities of past experiences or anxiety/worry over the future, which often takes significantly more time to analyze in depth.  I also appreciate that SFBC techniques equips us as school counselors with tools that allow students to leave our offices feeling empowered in their ability to resolve their problem(s) as well as a sense of hope for their current situation. SFBC is evidenced-based and supported by various federal and state agencies and insertions, including the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Registry of Evidence-Based Programs and Practices (NREPP).  Research has demonstrated that SFBC is an effective approach to the treatment of psychological problems with effectiveness similar to the results of cognitive-based therapy (CBT) and Interpersonal Therapy (IPT)One way to measure its effectiveness is using one of the SFBC techniques of a scaling question. Through the process, we work with students to identify a starting point for the security of the problem, using a scale of 0-10 (0 is problem-free to 10 is the worst the problem has ever been).  As we go continue through the sequence of SFBC techniques, we can see if the student’s number has gone up or down to determine if the intervention was effective and successful. SFBC can be easily replicated in most contexts and can also be further used as one of the treatment options or on it’s own depending on the situation and need, which is why it is incredibly effective in the limited time setting of the school counselor’s office and role.

Thanks for reading,

Jennifer Vo

Death on Campus: Creating a Plan to Support Your School Community

On October 17-19, I attended the California Association of School Counselors (CASC) 2018 conference in Riverside, California. During these three days I met and learned from wonderful school counselors that are truly charting the course of our profession by supporting students, families, schools, and communities all over our state.

In addition to listening to the inspiring presentations of keynote speakers Senator Barbara Boxer, Dr. Jeff Duncan-Andrade, and, now California’s Superintendent of Public Instruction, Tony Thurmond, I joined several workshops in a wide range of topics relevant to the school counseling profession. One of these workshops was Death on Campus: Creating a plan to support your school community facilitated by MelissaGillespie and Emily Ritchey, current school counselors at Calabasas HighSchool. I decided to attend this workshop because I want to expand my knowledge about crisis response in schools, particularly around topics of grief and loss. I fortunately have not had to deal with a death in school during my time training as a school counselor, but I understand death is a part of life, and I would like to be prepared to support my students, families and staff if I ever face a crisis of this kind.

Case Study

The presenters opened the workshop by sharing about a tragic event they recently experienced in their school: one of their freshman students and his father passed away in a plane accident (the father was the pilot), while his mother and sister witnessed it. This happened during the weekend, and the news were shared with the counseling team on Monday morning right before the first period bell rang. During that moment, the counseling team of Calabasas High School realized they did not have a crisis plan for such event, and had to develop one in thirty minutes. 

The rest of the presentation described common grief responses in teens, the crisis plan they created and implemented, as well as suggestions and insights the school counseling team gained from this experience.

Common Grief Responses in Teens

• Full range of emotions: teens experience emotions just as adults, it is important to not minimize their feelings due to a “lack of experience”. We must validate all emotions experienced due to loss.
• Social dimension: loss can impact academics and extracurricular activities. We must be alert to significant changes in engagement and achievement. In addition, some teens tend to engage in “bullying by loss”, they can be mean to others because they have strong feelings and little to none resources to deal with them.
• Often rises philosophical questions: teens can start questioning the meaning of life and engage in spiritual quests.
• Exaggeration of normal adolescent behavior: higher incidence of risky behaviors such as experimentation with drugs and alcohol are common grief responses in teens.
• Leads to worry of surviving caretakers: teens might be fearful for the parent or adult that is still alive.

The presenters also introduced the term social grief as part of the new movement towards mourning and grieving in social media. They mentioned that utilizing social media pages, such as Facebook that allows turning an active account to a “memorialized” account, has become highly popular and can be a great space for young people seeking support and validation, as it tends to be easier for teens to share and connect through social media. 

The Crisis Plan

Creating and implementing a crisis plan proved to be a multitasking team effort. The counseling team at Calabasas High School had to divide responsibilities by tapping into the strengths of each school counselor, and the following steps to implement their crisis plan were adopted:

1. Connect with the affected family to ask what information the school is allowed to share: Taking this step is vital, as it is really important to only share facts and have the family’s permission to share. This gives the family a sense of control about their story, and it allows the school to offer support to the family and share resources they may need.
2. Contact district and sister schools to request support (as needed): school counselors and other members of the counseling team of various schools in the district were asked to go over to the affected school to provide support in the grief center.
3. Inform teachers of the death: all teachers were called to the multi-purpose room (MPR) and were given the facts (only what was approved by family and administration). The school counseling team offered support for teachers and checked for teachers’ comfort level to share the information and process with students during first period.
4. Create and monitor grief center: the GYM was turned into a grief center with various activities students could participate in such as creating a care tag for self-care or writing to the family in a post-it and adding it to the memorial board later shared with the family. In addition, counselors were ready to offer one on one support to those that wanted to talk about the situation. Finally, students that did not feel like being in a large classroom at the moment could go there to work in their academics independently in a quiet and comforting space.
5. Provide in-classroom support: teachers that did not feel comfortable sharing the news with the students requested a school counselor to join their first period to talk to the students.
6. Principal to send letter to families about the death: this letter included the same facts shared with the teachers and students, in addition to community resources that can be accessed for support as needed.

Suggestions and Upgrades to Creating a Crisis Plan

The counseling team at Calabasas High School provided the following document to guide other school counselors in creating a crisis plan.

Some of the things they would upgrade, do different, or include in their crisis plan are: 

• Keeping data: include a sign-in sheet in the grief center to be able to follow up with those that sought individual support or participated in the grieving activities.
• Provide emotional support for staff: this could include having substitutes or other people to give teachers a break throughout the day if they wanted to access the grief center. Provide teachers with a list of resources they could seek for support after school hours, as well as self-care activities for immediate and long term.
• Creating short document of “how to talk to kids about death”: this could be beneficial for teachers and families, as most people do not know what is appropriate to tell or not tell to kids that are grieving. This document should have specific examples of what to say and what not to say.
• Counseling team follow-up: having space and time to debrief about the situation (both personal and professional) and evaluating crisis plan to make adjustments as needed.
• Crisis plan follow-up: create a crisis plan that is written in policy, and have all materials needed ready and stored. Think about the crisis long-term, what will the counseling team do for the anniversary of the event or the birthday of the student? Some suggestions include having an honor announcement for the family with a minute of silence, having students write comforting letters to the family, or hold a seat for the student during their graduation class.

Overall, I thought this presentation was very informative and grounding. The experience of death in schools is often unexpected, but having a crisis plan to address the situation and support the school community is something all school counselors can do to be prepared. I can foresee myself using the tools and insights shared by the presenters to develop and improve current crisis plans in my fieldwork site and any future schools I have the honor to serve.

Resources

• The Coalition to Support Grieving Students
• Comfort Zone Camp
• The Dougy Center
• The Moyer Foundation
• Our House Grief Support Center

Written by Anahi Amador

                  San Diego State University

                  Graduate Student